It’s Valentine’s Day, Love Day if you will. First, let m
e start by sending love to each and every person who reads this. I was never really fond of this particular holiday, for several reasons; it reminded me of every act of betrayal I endured in my relationships, it reminded me of that feeling that I wasn't enough, and then I hated seeing people I felt were less of the woman I tried to be receive love I felt I deserved. Those feelings acutally kind of left me bitter about the holiday. I felt some kind of way seeing people express love the way I felt love should have been expressed to me.
After having been single for the last 4 years, this is my favorite one yet, as I feel no negative way at all about the day. I am able to celebrate others who have found love, are in love, and are happy with their love. It actually excites me to see people I care about, especially, sharing love. Most importantly, I'm in love with who I am today, and my life right now, despite past feelings of indequacy and of needing a man to validate that.
Last night I was at dinner with some friends and somehow we got into a conversation about exes. I don’t really like to talk about the past or live in what happened, how I was betrayed and heart broken, and yada yada yada. To me, at this point, it serves no point. It happened, I’ve let it go and moved on. Everyone had a crazy story about how they were cheated on and how it ended their relationship. I listened quietly as they shared, and the wait staff began cleaning all the surrounding tables. We were the only patrons left in the building. I started reaching for my coat as the last story concluded and one friend says, “Wait. What happened to you?”
I politely smiled and said, “that’s a story for another day.”
She looked at me with a crooked smile, “Girl. They ain’t going nowhere til we leave.”
So I shared a snippet of that 6year relationship in less than 3 minutes; being cheated on, lied to, him having a child with another woman, buying another woman a ring while with me, yada yada yada. Surprisingly, that was the first time I talked about those things and didn’t feel any negativity or bitterness toward that situation or the person. Being honest it took a long time to get to the point where I thought about how bad that situation mad me feel. I already had a hard time trusting people, but that really messed that whole trust thing up even more. Though, here I am 4 years later, finally moved pass it.
One of the girls I had dinner with was sharing how she’s in the midst of trying to get over a situation similar. As she talked about still having this person around in her life, I could see myself 4 years ago through her words. Then she said something that bothered me. “I know I need to leave him alone. So I think I just need to date around and have fun. I need someone to help distract me.” I, in the most polite way I knew how, told her that is probably the worst idea.
I may not be with anyone as I sit on Valentine’s Day in front of my computer, watching the All Star game, and listening to Kanye’s new album. However, I’m content. I’m happy with myself, I’m happy with my life, I’m not bitter, I’m not crying that I’m alone, I’m thankful to God for all that I’m doing in my life, I know I’m worth more than I dealt with in my past, and I know I won’t settle for any less than I feel I deserve.
I shared with her, it is an awesome feeling to give love and receive love. As human beings we have that innate desire for love and companionship. And when someone betrays that, it sucks! It hurts! We don’t want to think about it! We just want to block it out of our mind and sometimes we allow a rebound to be that “distraction.” But I’m a firm believer, you have to give yourself time to heal, find yourself, redefine your version of happiness, find it without the help of another person, and build yourself back up. Is that easy? Heck no!
There may be nights of crying your eyes out on the pillow you sleep on, the desk you work at, the friend you hang with, the steering wheel you drive with, etc. It’s okay, that’s normal. But don’t get stuck there. Pick up what’s left of you and start putting the pieces back together. As you find happiness and contentment in being alone, when God sees fit to bless you with someone, they will be adding to happiness you already have. Another person should never be the primary source of one’s happiness, because should things not work with that person they take your happiness with them as they leave.
Focus on you and on being the best you you can be. Focus on SELF-LOVE. As you learn to love yourself properly, you create a standard for the kind of love you expect to receive from someone else. The last 4 years I’ve been so focused on my life, and focused on doing things to make myself happy. I’ve found myself outside of the person I was in a relationship, and love every part of me. This is who I am.
So to every person who spent this Valentine’s Day single, I encourage you to take this time to really love YOU! Date YOU! Be YOU! You never know who might fall in love with “YOU.”